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so i havent started on my other blogs.
i kind of lost motivation for them, but im sure if i start up ill gain it back.

but i got something new i want to do.
not really blogging but i can see how i could incorporate blogging into it.

ofcourse i had to give it some type of name:
because its a project...?

well ofcourse its not the name of the actual project, but let me give you some details on it i guess and some background.

well i use to be in this mentoring program and it was great.
i met new people and learned some new things and more info on others things.
it was great i forgot the requirements and all but it was a program i would recommend to alot of young girls. i wish it could of done alot better and was still up and running.

but i guess thats where i come in.
if i havent mention or you didnt know, i got this teacher thing going on inside me.
i love you learn [things i want to know or are interesting] and i love to inform others.

i would really like to help other girls in my community because ofcourse some people have to learn the hard way and maybe this can change that and maybe, just maybe i can make a difference and help someone who also wants to learn.

what is this program im speaking of?
"inset name here" tah dah! =D
okay well i dont have a name for it, so lets do it like this make up something positive or meaning.

it teaching young girl about themselves and the outside world. i.e:
  • hygiene
  • education
  • abuse
  • sex
  • relationships etc.
anything else that will help young girls make positive choices.
i really wish i can get this off the ground by next semester. its for everyone at school. im dont want to limit it to girls so a male partner would help also. i also see it as a summit type thing. talking about issues, popular topics, concerns, problems, etc.

i wanted to introduce it at washington as an after school program free of charge.
im currently the only one on board and im kind of stuck with getting it off the ground.
who do i speak with?
do i need help?
how do i spread the world?

im a team player, but i dont really have anyone in mind to help me with this.
i actually think i can do it by myself and if anyone wants to join ofcourse they can help out.
but i do need to create this master plan before i can go to washington and present the idea.

i just hate my procrastination. grrr.
im just going to set a date and stick to it.
this is probably where the help comes in.
but its my plans my idea so need to get stared and the rest should come along.

ehhhh... [rubs chin]
is that it?
i guess.

a new me.

im un happy with myself and im not trying to wait until 2010 to fix it.

i seen a picture of me.
and it included back fat.
it was pretty decent too. [sigh]
so ive decided this was the end.
i will no longer be this person i hate to look in the mirror at.
i cant even use my damn web cam.
i hate my fucking face.
[sigh] sorry im being so harsh on myself.
its just eww.
i can see myself looking alot better.
i just need to train myself.
i eat even when im not hungry.
i eat alot of fastfood.
and i dont exercise.
it crazy how everyone is losing the weight and i keep packing on the damn pounds.
like wtf.
working with fucking fastfood doesnt help either.
but where i work doesnt matter.
i dont exercise my self control.
i do stuff even through i know i shouldnt and ive had this problem for a longtime now.
i do what i want when i want.
ie. now.
im suppose to be doing my 5 page paper right now.. and what am i doing?
blogging about how i dont have self control.
[lmao. wtf]
i need to control my spending also.
i always spend becasue i rely on future money which is no good at all.
i need to plan things ahead of time because i will end up spending all my money and end up with nothing.
thats what ill do.
everything will be writen out and planned ahead of time.
no longer will i do the last minute shit anymore.
i will make sure my priorities are straight and i get a handle on myself because... [smh]
im am now going to exercise myself control because this is ridiculous.
i will now manage my time, money and diet.
i can not continue life like this.
i just wish i could see results faster.
i was thinking about cutting back on my eatting alot.
like sort of kinda not eatting at all probarly once or twice a day.
also small portions.

paranormal activity.

so this friday i went to the movies to see "paranormal activity".
i had read reviews and was torn. [thats why you shouldnt read reviews grr.]
so we went and now i freaked.

i screamed about two times. [times when no one else screamed] so i was loud.
but i was able to contain myself afterwards, but i did jump here and there.
i thought there were going to be some laughs, some "wtf's?", some "omg WTF's??", and some other scary shit. what i didnt expect was getting totally freaked out. its like its got under my skin. its been about 3 days and i continue to think about it. [i.e this blog].

i just want to know why im freaked out.
i was almost going to see it again, but didnt for other reasons.
but i had to thinking about it.
i kept thinking "maybe i shouldnt go see this again."
"what if i see it again and it comes after me?"

wtf! why do i continue to think about this damn movie.
maybe it was the demon stuff.
i might lowkey stick to shit dealing with non-demon stuff.
because after the movie i felt myself waking out of my sleep.
wonder if i go in the house will the light turn on y itself or will something randomly attack me."

you know the messed up stuff about shit like that. you would think everything will be better with the lights on, but that doesnt help you cant see the shit with or without the lights so id be attack by some random ass shit that i cant see. now please tell me how i will report this to the police, if i were to survive.

okay i think im done...

[sigh] i should really be getting ready for bed.

i got some good news and i got some bad news.
what would you like first?
bad first?
only makes sense right?


  • failed my english "in class writing test."

i could of done so much better, but i wasnt comprehending the prompt like i wanted too. it was so bad. the teacher used one of my sentences on the board, he also told me to "see a tutor now." maybe im just sensitive, but sometimes tough love isnt always the best love. i do see myself slacking though. i need to start reading more, even try getting ahead. i will not be the student who drops his class. i like his class but after 6 weeks of hearing him lecture about everything but english its time too teach me critical thinking. i love discussion, but the last time i checked this was an transferable ENGLISH class.

[this was our first writing inside or out.]

  • still at my suckie job.

hopefully i get time this upcoming week to look for a job. its going to be hard. it took my FIVE MONTHS to get a job at Wndy's. this week i only work one day and thats saturday. i know i dont like working there, but i would love the CHOICE to say i want to go home, but i do see how its unfair to be scheduled when someone else can be scheduled. oohh yeah and ive gotten 3 cash write ups one more and my fast food career will be through. well at least i have the day care. [eh]

  • still havent seen my love as much as i wanted too.

at this point i dont fully understand what the problem is, but i see improvement i guess.

  • ive been feeling somewhat out of place.

i dont know what to really say about this. ive felt like this before. is this my [avoident personality?] i cling to some and push away from others, but i really hate small talk. its like [my nigga we know each other.] ofcourse i have my really close friends, but even then i still feel out of place at times. i have a feeling ill always feel this way unless im in the middle of the action. but im not one to push myself on someone [even friends].

  • i can see myself [not giving a finger in the middle] about child development.

i mean. im just not that into it. its from 1-3 on wednesdays. and there is alot of lecture. maybe im feel this course should be more hands on, but it isnt catching my interest. hopefully i can get my grade up in the class. when i mean no interest im about three weeks behind on a project and i missed an in class project that i was really interested in because i miss class... [eh]

  • i have been missing to many days for stupid reasons.

i just havent been that interested. the only class that i wouldnt miss is psych. [oh how great that class is]. ive learned so much. i can see myself diagnosing myself with these disorders i learn about. some disorders i wish i can experience first hand. i.e d.i.d [dissociate identity disorder] having multiple personality looks like i would be alot of fun. i would have so much character. [lmao] bad joke? well i dont know it just seems different, but im sure i would sing a different tune if i actually had it.


  • i got a job at a day care.

how cool right? well sort of. 90%-10%. i love the kids and what i do. i just wish my school scheduled didnt get in the way because i could work more hours. i also think about how i would change the day care around. i wish i could do more i guess. its better than working with adults. seems like the little kids has more common sense then niggas ordering at a fast food restaurant. plus i have one co worker and shes the best. did i mention i get to look at sponge bob and get about an hour paid break? awesome.

  • i think ive gotten my baby to open a little bit i guess.

i think its the fact that i can speak my mind. yes its hard when your partner sometime doesnt want to and dont give you the feed back you want, but i lowkey see it working. i hardly speak up anywhere else, but why shouldnt it be that way with someone im in a relationship with. strangers come and go, but i dont want to constantly go through something i dislike with my partner.

  • i got rid of what i felt was some unnecessary negativity.

someone that ive been friends with has finally broke the final straw. broke the camels back. now i wont get in to details, lets just say i questioned our friendship to many times. maybe ill get over it, but for right now i have a point to prove. and if it never passes it wasnt meant to be i guess. but im tired of trying for others and then the person cant for me. in any relationship i feel its 50/50 and i dont feel i was given my equal share. even if it wasnt completely equal. you never have to suck the well dry. when you dont treat the right niggas right and continue to fuck with the no good niggas because you feel "its meant to be" maybe you should keep all your focus over there, because i feel i try to hard. sometimes i just needed the attention, i give it to you dont i?

  • ooooh and im starting to remember my dreams.

ive havent been one to wake up and remember my dream on a regular basis. i thought i didnt havent dreams until i heard "everyone has dreams" but i always thought "how would you know!? your not in my head." but the brain never sleeps i guess. well psych has woke my [dream remember thing] up. its cool. and i hope it continues.

did you know you can have sleep sex? its just like sleep walking and sleep talking minus the talking or walking then adding the SEX. cool right?

aaaah what else is there?

idk. well no actually. i get to [hopefully] see my baby and even cook for him.

[our phone conversation today was =D]

what he said was beautiful.


i hate my insecurities.
i know they are there.


i cant say they are just my insecurities.
when you do stuff to limit or lose my trust i feel you have just fucked up.

grrrr. i hate incomplete thoughts.
i dont feel like finishing because this is bullshit.


if you lie, why on earth should i ever believe you again?
youve lied to me, and now i feel i have no reason to believe you and doubt you when you decide to tell the truth.
even little things.

then you ask the question.

1. why stay around to be lied too?
2. how can you criticize your friends for doing the same thing?

  • because they are a good person.
  • because its so much easier to talk about someone else.


let me just say i love this show. [sigh]
but season two has really started off hurting my feelings.

with that said.

so much drama.
i love it.
i cant turn.

now waiting for degrassi.